Friday, February 21, 2014

Put A Pin In It

Hello, patient and reliable readers.  For the past month I have been delving into the world of acupuncture in order alleviate various health issues. Nothing serious, I just hate doctors and hospitals. I just want to be a calmer, thinner, more active person with no acne or allergies and no chemicals helping me do it…don't we all?

So off to the acupuncturist I went! What I have learned so far is every problem I have is ONE THING. I have no idea if the ONE THING has a medical name or not but it doesn't seem to matter because apparently there are tons of needle treatments that work on fixing it, and once it's normalized, I will be that calm, thin, active person who beams with inner light or whatever.

Okay, okay, I'm obviously not a "beamy" person. Nor do I strive to be. Most people find the beamers annoying without trying to be, and when I annoy people, I am trying. So I don't want to beam. I want to flicker. What? Nothing. Anywho…
Look at me flicker!

So when you picture me getting poked with needles all over, who do you see doing the poking? A small, ancient Japanese sensei who smells like burnt incense? A middle aged woman with kind eyes, a soft touch, and a peasant skirt? You're all wrong, close- minded and biased readers. My guy is a 38 year old Jewish Cowboy who smells like a gyro sandwich. He's married and has a toddler. He's actually pretty cute. Which makes it all the more awkward when he asked me about every bodily function I ever had in my whole life. He studied under blind Japanese monks who said things like "The abdomen lacks luster." What? How do they know what luster is? They're blind!

The treatments vary each time. One time he did my whole back with needles that were tipped with mugwort at the top, lit them on fire and then LEFT THE ROOM.  Yes, this is calming…said no one. I looked like a human sparkler, I assume ( because a lack of mirrors is important when you are half naked and covered in sharp things. This week he "bled my ears" with sounds fatal but is more like piercing the very top of your ear. It was unsettling because as he did the right and final ear he exclaimed "Oh!" and then excused himself. Clearly I was bleeding out and he was off on the hunt for a towel to sop up the evidence. Oh no wait he came back and I was fine, that's how that went. He informed me that the blood let from my ear was dark and old and smelled rotten. "Thanks?" was my only reply. What do you say to that, really?  "Gross." replies every reader. "Gross" is what you say. Thanks guys.

So after a month of treatment, and my head and body looking like this for a hour a week…..
Except, you know, more relaxed looking.
….. I am feeling better. Back pain? Gone. Energy? Up. Acne? Slightly better. Weight? Down. Other stuff? Not really any of your business, medically intrusive reader, but all signs point to gradual improvement. You are on to something, Hellraiser. Other than starring in terrible, not scary movies.


  1. I've wanted to try acupuncture for my own ailments for a long time but, alas, I cannot because apparently, acupuncture is something you cannot do if you have a pacemaker. Which I indeed have. But! I am so glad you are experiencing positive results and feeling better!! :D

    1. Mul- I spoke with my acupuncturist and he said there's no reason not to have acupuncture with a pacemaker. He he five patients with them. The key is not to have them use e-stems that send a charge across the chest, which well trained acupuncturists never do. Stay away from e-stem therapy and you should be good! Poke away!