Thursday, January 2, 2014

How to Start 2014….Do's and Don'ts

So 2014 Started….yesterday. But how could I tell you how to start the year when I had not yet started the year myself? So I did it for you, sheltered readers, and you're welcome. Using New Years Eves and Days from this year and the past few, I have developed a list of Do's and Don'ts.

1) Do: Ring in the the New Year with people you love. I am a lucky lucky lady to not only have a wonderful husband and puppy, but awesome friends that I cannot celebrate anything without. We were a small party (8) here in Texas, but I'd rather almost pee myself with merriment (emphasis on ALMOST!!!!) with those fools than freeze my butt off in Time Square with thousands of gropey, pukey strangers watching Miley Cyrus take a running leap at the ball as it drops.
2) Don't: Attempt to enjoy the fireworks going off  in the street while holding your puppy. He will pee on you. Last year, during our riveting celebration that consisted of Matt and I playing scrabble at home because we hadn't made any solid friends in Texas yet; Todd started freaking out at the fireworks display happening literally outside our door thanks to some neighborhood hooligans. I picked him up to comfort him, but then idiotically went to look out the door at the fireworks. Todd snuggled under my chin (apparently in shame), an suddenly I felt very warm and wet. First and only time he's ever done that. Happy New Year to me.

3) Do: Be safe and throw a party! If you can't follow the laws of man and non-idiocy by not drinking and driving, be a host! Matt and I follow this formula on most beverage-centric holidays: New Year's, Fourth of July, Labor Day, Halloween….Secretary's Day….the usual. Hosting seems like a burden to most but I like having an excuse to make my house clean and festive and bake all day. Also, Matt is not a "dessert-guy" (I married him DESPITE this obviously major flaw), so I need a house full of people to eat the extras lest I become house-sized myself.

4) Don't: Attempt to clean up after a party while drunk/hungover. You will break glass. Every single time. Matt was guilty this year, having aggressively shoved a beer glass into the dish washer which already had a glass bowl in that spot. Oops. Bedtime for you, mister. This rule also applies to Cinco de Mayo, or more specifically Seis de Mayo seven years ago when I attempted to clean up the sorority house I lived in while horribly hungover and stepped right onto a broken Corona bottle in bare feet. And because I was hungover I didn't think about it as I pulled the bottle out of my foot, causing an arc of bloodspray which hit the kitchen walls and fridge in such a way that would make CSI and Law & Order envious. I lost several pints and limped for a month. Lesson learned, grossed out readers? Good. Moving on.

5) Watch great movies. It has become a tradition in our family to make the first movie of each year Jurassic Park. Why mess with success? I don't know a man that doesn't love watching people flee from a car crashing through a tree, or a woman who doesn't love a sprawled out shirtless Jeff Goldblum explaining Chaos Theory. Or anyone that doesn't love watching a T-Rex eat a lawyer on the john.

Thats, THAT'S Chaos Theory.

Sure, we go to the theaters for a new movie too, but that's a gamble. This year we went to see Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues, which read on our tickets as Anchorman 2: The Leg. A fantastic start at Alamo Drafthouse, which for non-texans; is a theatre that serves food and drinks and has a full bar and great beers. Also they custom design the previews to enhance the movie been shown. So for this flick the previews were Will Ferrell Funny or Die sketches and clips of real newscasters glubbin' up on the job (Bill O'Reilly, anyone!?!) Here is my review:  Are you under 35? It was stupid funny. Go see it! Are you my parents reading my blog? It was stupid. Don't see it. I don't don't know who else reads this blog that don't fall into either of those categories, but they can probably figure out if they should see it for themselves.

6) Don't: Go to the DPS (DMV for non-Texans) to get your new license (FOR THE FIFTH TIME). They will tell you after half an hour of waiting that the email receipt of a renewed registration is insufficient, and it's your fault that the department of vehicle registration hasn't sent you the sticker within the 7-10 days they promise to because of the holidays, so now your registration is 2 days expired. Their suggestions? a) Don't drive until you get the sticker. b) If you need to drive, and get pulled over, try showing the "insufficient" email receipt and explain to the cop that the holidays delay the processing, and the cop should be "totally understanding". Right. Did I mention I have been to the DMV FIVE TIMES IN ONE YEAR?!!?!

IMMEDIATE UPDATE: "Registration Lady" says my registration is not expired until the END of January, and DPS should have issued me a license right then and there. WHAAAAAT. THEEEEEEE.   F&*%$@#^! I desire to hurt them. Or crawl in a small crevice and cry about it.

7) Do: Pump the Jams. Those songs that make you dance and sing in the car no matter your mood/ location/ who's in the car with you? Yeah, those. Play those. A lot. It's a new year. Be free, and awesome, and make the person pulled up next to you at the light smile.

I would say organize closets and pantries and stuff because I did that, but I'm not your mom so… what you want, unorganized reader!


P.S.- My actual resolution is to research how to become "world renowned" as well as "shrouded in mystery"; and then make a decision for my self based on which takes less effort.


  1. Great advice to start off the year! But I think #7 is one of the most important to apply to your daily life! I don't have an official list of resolutions, but if I did, I would have immediately revised it and put this in the top 5 after reading this post!!

    Happy New Year Lady!!

  2. Hehe, such great advice and such great photos/GIFs (read: I love Tom Hiddleston, tweedlydee). I dunno about you but Jeff Goldbloom shirtless explaining chaos theory is obviously the best part of the movie. ;)