Put A Pin In It

Hello, patient and reliable readers.  For the past month I have been delving into the world of acupuncture in order alleviate various health issues. Nothing serious, I just hate doctors and hospitals. I just want to be a calmer, thinner, more active person with no acne or allergies and no chemicals helping me do it…don't we all?

So off to the acupuncturist I went! What I have learned so far is every problem I have is ONE THING. I have no idea if the ONE THING has a medical name or not but it doesn't seem to matter because apparently there are tons of needle treatments that work on fixing it, and once it's normalized, I will be that calm, thin, active person who beams with inner light or whatever.

Okay, okay, I'm obviously not a "beamy" person. Nor do I strive to be. Most people find the beamers annoying without trying to be, and when I annoy people, I am trying. So I don't want to beam. I want to flicker. What? Nothing. Anywho…

Look at me flicker!

So when you picture me getting poked with needles all over, who do you see doing the poking? A small, ancient Japanese sensei who smells like burnt incense? A middle aged woman with kind eyes, a soft touch, and a peasant skirt? You're all wrong, close- minded and biased readers. My guy is a 38 year old Jewish Cowboy who smells like a gyro sandwich. He's married and has a toddler. He's actually pretty cute. Which makes it all the more awkward when he asked me about every bodily function I ever had in my whole life. He studied under blind Japanese monks who said things like "The abdomen lacks luster." What? How do they know what luster is? They're blind!

The treatments vary each time. One time he did my whole back with needles that were tipped with mugwort at the top, lit them on fire and then LEFT THE ROOM.  Yes, this is calming…said no one. I looked like a human sparkler, I assume ( because a lack of mirrors is important when you are half naked and covered in sharp things. This week he "bled my ears" with sounds fatal but is more like piercing the very top of your ear. It was unsettling because as he did the right and final ear he exclaimed "Oh!" and then excused himself. Clearly I was bleeding out and he was off on the hunt for a towel to sop up the evidence. Oh no wait he came back and I was fine, that's how that went. He informed me that the blood let from my ear was dark and old and smelled rotten. "Thanks?" was my only reply. What do you say to that, really?  "Gross." replies every reader. "Gross" is what you say. Thanks guys.

So after a month of treatment, and my head and body looking like this for a hour a week…..

Except, you know, more relaxed looking.

….. I am feeling better. Back pain? Gone. Energy? Up. Acne? Slightly better. Weight? Down. Other stuff? Not really any of your business, medically intrusive reader, but all signs point to gradual improvement. You are on to something, Hellraiser. Other than starring in terrible, not scary movies.

Ode to a Neighbor

This post is my first attempt at rhyming poetry since 9th grade english. My apologies…..I had to. I just had to. Enjoy readers!


Ode to a Neighbor

Cheers to my neighbor, so proud and so bold.
The man is a beacon, a sight to behold.

He guards the street bravely, fills criminals with dread.
Well, mostly he sends children to cower beneath the bed.

He fears not the cold, he is a true Spartan.
His stained tank top: his armor, his loud swim trunks: his Tartan.

With a scraggly beard, and long hair tucked in a hat,
His game face repels burglars, rapists, and one calico cat.

His strength is in the art of the multitask.
Spinning nun chucks while smoking, and in his pocket; a flask!

Sleep tight, gentle neighbors, you are safe and sound.
This vigilante; nay, this hero, will always be around.


So yeah, in short, I was walking Todd yesterday and one of my neighbors was in his front yard spinning nun chucks while smoking, wearing neon swim trunks, a dirty tank top, and a knit beanie in 50 degree weather. It was too awesome not to share.

I sadly did not get a photo because a) He could chase me down and beat me with nun chucks AND burn me with cigarettes, and b) I didn't have my phone on me :(

Where Have You Gone, Jamie DiMaggio?

Apologies for the several week hiatus I took from the blog, readers; I know you have been just beside yourselves waiting for a new post.

Yeah, right, says this knowing corgi.

Truth be told, I have been doing a ton of stuff and just haven't felt any of it inspired a witty outpouring onto the keyboard. My mind grapes have gone prune-y, my brain curds are more like brain turds. I partially blame my friend who recently wrote a novel and sent it to me for feedback. All my editorial power is being channeled into his project, leaving none for myself. How dare I help others, says no one. See, I knew you'd understand, fair and wise reader. One reader did flatter me today by sending me this in a facebook message:

http://i.perezhilton.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/tumblr_inline_msez7jawqp1qd0k7a.gif

with the caption "pretend this says more blog posts please". Thanks, lady, you make me feel special....and desired. Feel free to hit me up on Valentine's day....or anytime I have a good interview and then they tell me I am their 2nd choice.

So what did I do other than give notes on the first draft of a novel which features almost everyone I went to high school with, but no mention of anyone remotely like me (he knows this upsets me, and may or may not appease my vanity in a future draft)? Lots of home projects....

Like this update to the front door:

Before: Cheap, and not well painted.

 

After: More expensive looking and the design stands out now. 

And from the outside it ties in with the newly painted light and doorbell....thingy,which used to be pink. GROSS. Looking at the photo now, I think staining or covering the concrete walkway somehow will make it even more inviting.

And a $10 side table/cabinet from Goodwill:

I am terrible at proper "before" pics. 

Way cuter!

And this free side table from the side of the road in my neighborhood:

Again, terrible about "before" photos. Brass hardware on the drawer at the bottom.

I get the feeling The Vintage Project would LOVE this. Am I correct, M.?

I love how it turned out, though this house is turning out in more of a muted palette, so I may sell it.  The turquoise was in the garage when we moved in so that was free too. But it's it the office for now, and would be cute for a girl's nursery maybe for someone.

I did more than this, but will put those in a separate post, just as so-so entertaining as this one. 

Until then, PUT ME IN YOUR NOVEL, FRIEND WHO WROTE A NOVEL. 

Down the Rabbit Hole of Google/Brooke's Brain (Spoiler Alert: Both are Scary)

I should preface this post with the explanation of my friendship with Brooke. Do you have 14 hours? No? Okay.

This pretty much explains it.

 She convinced me to start this blog because spending 2+ hours on the phone with me at a time is just not enough, or for my own good, depending on which of us you ask (Don't ask her, she's wrong...and obsessed with me).  We talk in non-sensical circles, that usually lead to in depth discussions of M&M's (Don't judge, readers, there is SO MUCH to talk about regarding M&M's).
So that is us in the tiniest of nutshells. Onward.



So recently we were discussing Miley Cyrus's VMA Chemical Assault on Humanity and the unfortunate role Robin Thicke played.

Singing Stripper Pole

Here's how that conversation went:

Brooke: I feel bad for his wife.
Me: I feel worse for his dad.
Brooke:  Who?
Me: Alan Thicke aka Jason Seaver of Growing Pains,
Brooke: Ummm....Alan Thicke is NOT Robin Thicke's dad. Alan Thicke is gay.
Me: Uhhh....no. He has a wife. They were on Celebrity Wife Swap with Gilbert Godfried and his wife. ( IT IS SO SAD THAT I KNOW THAT!)
Brooke: Why do you know that? Nevermind. I don't want to know. She's obviously a beard. I know I read that he's gay, because Kirk Cameron is super anti-gay and speaks out against Alan Thicke. Google it.
Me:  Okay. (googles it) I win again! IMDB lists Alan as married to the same chick since the 90's and Robin as  his son.
Brooke: Well SOMEONE from Growing Pains is gay, maybe the mom, that's the same.
Me: That is not the same, but I will check.----No, Joanna Kerns is married.
Brooke: To a woman?
Me: NO.
Brooke: Someone from a show like that is gay, I tell you.

After going through the whole cast, we discover it was in fact Meredith Baxter from Family Ties who came out.

Me: I could've told you that. I mean the number of Lifetime Movies she was in would make anyone anti-male.
Brooke: I wouldn't know, I don't watch old Lifetime Movies. Their clothes are old and it ruins the story for me.
Me: Are you being serious? Nevermind. I know you are. The movie poster for the Betty Broderick Movie alone says it all ( which I found and immediately posted to her facebook wall).

It is glorious, is it not?

This conversation went on to google who killed themselves on Family Matters (NO ONE, BROOKE.)

and in the end Brooke simply declared she was right about everything and I need to read more People and Us Weekly. 

But back to that movie poster. Look at it. This might be where my love of terrible movies and crime stems from. My family was more connected with the true story than most viewers, and it was the first of several TV shows/movies about people we knew or grew up with (Mostly E True Hollywood Stories: Andrew Cunanan & Killer Kids (my sister and I knew TWO cases and a total of FOUR people involved on that episode). But Betty was and always will be the first, and I thank Brooke for reminding me how much I need to re-watch it just by questioning who Robin Thicke's father is.

The Brew Boys

Matt and Sam have taken over the kitchen this Saturday to brew beer with the hops we scored off Free Craigslist (from a guy whose house smelled of certain "herbs" and his wife was super prego, NOT SHADY AT ALL :/).

This looks bad....but it's hops!

So Sam and Matt are making Honey Grapefruit Ale with a little kit and added stuff.

I helped sanitize.......

..... and then decided a nap was a far better use of my time.




Here are things I heard faintly from the kitchen:

" So yeasty"

"Hey Sam, remember when I opened the package and everything spilled on the floor?"

" We need Roomba..."

"What's this for?"

And lots of  random singing, including internet sensation "Chocolate Rain" and the Oompa Loompa Song from Willy Wonka with new lyrics. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. It is difficult to nap when the whole house smells of yeast and Matt is exclaiming variations of WTF whenever Sam is not standing directly next to him with instructions. I told them to take pictures throughout the process so here are those......

Creepy Brewer Face?

A sight rarely seen...Matt cooking.

"Get outta my kitchen woman!"

This is the part where Roomba was called forth to duty.

Six hours later, what do I have to show for it? A kitchen is disarray, a house that smells like it has a yeast infection, and a growler of booze slowly fermenting in my hall closet. Did you know you could just BUY BEER? ..... and they did:

On the plus side Marie took the mash and made treats for Todd, because she needed to remind him that she is the better mommy in this house. KIDDING, I love her for doing that.  Now at least SOMEONE will get immediate satisfaction from this process, because Lawd Jesus know we won't be tasting that beer anytime soon. Carry on, gentle readers! I'll update this entry when we taste it!

UPDATE: The beer was voted TERRIBLE by everyone. It was renamed Honey Rapefruit Ale, because it violates your taste buds. Just buy beer, guys.

The Heat is ON...

So this weekend the AC decided to poop out on us right as we were entertaining friends after an afternoon of daytime drinking in a sweltering brewery.

Don't get me wrong, Hops & Grain is AWESOME, and I loved going on the tour and resisting the urge to hug all the barrels of beer aging away.

I did not love the couple standing next to me fondling each other in the 98 degree heat. A seedy airport romance novel was unfolding before my eyes. They must have been dating for two weeks tops, so the whole "let's be close even though we're incredibly uncomfortable" phase is not over. When they weren't making out a foot away from my face (UGH), he was was holding her hand stroking the space between her knuckles rhythmically (YES, REALLY). I'm sure they went home after that and watched a documentary on building toll roads while eating kale chips, but I digress.

BACK HOME:

We decide the drinking must continue, so we come home to make Sangria to go with the Italian meats and cheeses and caprese salad. Come to Todd stretched out like a bathmat on the floor, panting. It was not terribly hot yet, but he is super dramatic:

"I'm so hot, I can't do anything, please feed me ice by hand."

So Matt did his man-stuff and got someone out here while I played hostess and got some excellent board game-age and boozin' on with the friends. The repair guy walked in and immediately judged us. (Why? It was SATURDAY! We judge YOU for working on a day meant for rest. But also THANK YOU and please fix it.) Alas, his estimate was more than the HVAC was worth so we went through insurance and had to tough it out til Monday. Many cold showers, sleeping with fans at every direction, and wet towels as blankets. We survived. And I inexplicably decided Sunday was the ideal time to paint the master bedroom ( MY BRAIN HURTS ME SOMETIMES).

Here are the before and afters:

 

The Blue is Egyptian Pyramid from Valspar

The Warm Grey is Stone Manor for Valspar

Todd is pretty sure this photo shoot is about him.

The room is now cozier, still looks large, but stays cooler and is more nap-appropriate. I've wanted ink blue walls for a long time, Matt was hesitant, so here is the compromise. Our marriage is now fully represented on the walls. Up next: Staining the deck! Stay tuned, gentle readers....

Workin' Lady

So this post is about my new job, but don't get too too excited folks.  I signed a contract saying I wouldn't mention the name of my company on any form of social media, including Linked In (Really? But it's an online resume...)

I got a job as a chef at a private school less than a mile from my house that has students age 6 months to age 12. "Oh Jamie, that's really specific information, I can totally figure out the name of your employer from just that." says you. "Nope" says I, in a pirate-y voice, for unknown reasons. There are FIVE schools just like it within a one mile radius of my house. TEXAS.

So more about the position..."Chef, you say? Last time I checked, chef is not a marketing position". TRUTH. Chef is not a marketing job, but I do love cooking and kiddos. "School chef? Isn't that like a glorified title that is really just a Lunch Lady?" (You are really being a jerk today, not-so-gentle reader)

Is this how you see me, jerk reader?

Well I'll have you know it is not just a lunch lady position. It is also part admin, part floater teacher. And I leave at 1:30pm. Aaaaand the actual title on my paperwork is "Culinary Wizard", SO THERE.

Yes I am, Hagrid.

So yeah, it gets me out of the house, hours I like, I could walk there if I chose to ( I won't. Maybe I'll get a bike though.), and I can be creative in the kitchen with adorable nuggets (I know, I know, don't cook the babies). Plus I'll probably eat healthier since everything I create has to be super healthy while not having any ingredients that cause allergic reactions or diabetes( Sooooo...everything).Enjoy your Flavored Air, children. Should be interesting.  WISH ME LUCK, READERS!

Wait....Ghost Cat is NOT the sequel to Ghost Dad??? Curse you, Netflix!!!

Hello gentle readers,

For those of you who don't know (meaning you have never met me) Matt and I have a great affinity for terrible movies of all genres.

Best use of green frosting I have ever seen.

Spoiler Alert: This blog's title is from the movie. That is how important it is in my life.

We cannot recommend these two gems enough (2 drink minimums are suggested).

Cliche-writing, giant plot holes, continuity that defies time and space- we can't get enough of it. So when we gained access to Netflix Instant Watch on our smart tv, we got super excited for the treasure trove of D Movies. 

So last night, looking to be entertained in a non-cooking show forum, Matt, Marie, and I embarked on choosing THE WORST option that still had a recognizable celebrity in it ( Sam had school work...nerd.).  Ghost Cat, starring Ellen Page (of Juno fame), was the unanimous winner.

Also written by a stripper.

With fond memories of Bill Cosby's Ghost Dad at the front of our minds, we watched. 

Alas, Ghost Cat was rarely on screen, and never talked about Jello Pudding Pops or demon worshipping cab drivers (<----ACTUAL CHARACTER IN GHOST DAD). But Sam did pop to inspire us with singing other movie themes and substituting all the words with "Ghost Cat". Ghostbusters, Jurassic Park, Star Wars, no iconic theme was spared.  

In the end Ghost Cat scored people $50k (come to my house next!), saved animals from suffocation of fumes,saved humans and animals from fire, and caused the bad guys to crash their car and get caught. Oh and it knocked over a bunch of stuff, walked on people's faces, put paw prints all over the floor and other normal cat shenanigans. Even in death these things are a NUISANCE. How can a cat be a ghost? Cats have no souls!!!

Bill Cosby, please make Ghost Grandpa ASAP.

UPDATE: Just found out about Ghost Shark. MUST SEE.

Attack of the Drunk Clones?

So while perusing Pinterest for new craft beers to try I came across this photo of who appeared to be a family member, so I sent her the pic and here's the conversation:

Everything in Face Off is TRUE.

Me: Uhh did I just find a pic of you on Pinterest?

Her: That's eerie how similar that girl looks to me.

Me: I'm freakin' out, man.

Her: I even thought it was me, I wasn't quite sure of who the other two are but I feel as though that girl is me.... Weird.

Me: Doppelgangers are REAL....now I'm questioning the Santa myth.

Her: Hahahahaha at this point I think we should... Protect yourself Jamie and those you love.. The doppelgängers are coming.

Me: But more importantly...is my doppelganger skinnier than me?

Her: Oh... A curious question.

Me: Like I needed MORE pressure to lose weight...now I have to worry about skinny doppelganger me walking around all confident.

Her: Eff those skinny confident doppelgängers making us originals question ourselves.

Me: Shut it "Size 0".

Naaaaature....Goulet.

This seems to be the week  where living on a green belt subtly creeps into my house and bites me in the ass. Here are some the new friends and enemies shacking up in my house that I met this week.

Roger, who mistakenly flipped my running shoe into his 3 bedroom condo with a garage view.  He met the business end of a broom because I PANICKED.

Simon, who squared off with Todd in the living room before I ushered him onto a plastic placemat and dumped him in the garbage disposal...NOBODY THREATENS TODD AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!!

Floyd, who performed a scene from Alien (or some sort of insect burlesque act) on our front door. He was spared, because the world needs great actors like this!

Newton, who enjoys the new deck as much as we do. Also spared, for mosquito eating purposes.

Freddie, who ditched the deck in favor of the A/C in the living room. Safely relocated to the greenbelt.

So there you have it....creepy crawlies beware. There is a 40% chance I will kill you either in a heated panic or calculated dismemberment. So please, just stay in the yard and eat the mosquitos.

The Calm Before the Awesome

So as we speak ( or rather: I type and you later read), our best "friends who are a couple" ( trying not to hurt feelings of single friends here) are on their way from San Diego to come live with us in Austin!

These fools.

Adding two more beings of pure awesome to this house is an exciting but also daunting process. In the few days I have before their arrival, I am attempting enjoy the calm before Samnado and Mariestrom (Maelstrom, look it up) turn this house into a hippie commune. How, you ask?

a) Snuggles with Todd

He is the Precious to my Golem

b) Sipping my breakfast smoothie on the new deck in the morning quiet before it gets too damn hot (TEXAS!)

We gon' need more chairs, craigslist.

c) Re-watching The Hills before they come so I don't get made fun of when it's in the queue. 

Don't judge me while I judge these dummies!

In the weeks leading up to now I've been prepping their room and bathroom, which when we arrived looked like this:

Sorry 'bout it....





But now it looks like this:

Oh hey, adult appropriate rooms! Is that a chalkboard wall? Yes it is. Will our friends draw sexual organs on it instead of nice things? You bet.

So yeah we did that, plus clean out every spare inch of cabinetry and closet space we could find for them. The certification in organization really came in handy here as all the luggage, linens, first aid, guest bath supplies etc had to fit in our master closet with all our clothes and shoes. Good thing that thing is a corridor to Narnia...

The lamppost is behind the purses.

Now all there is left to do is carefully plan what happens when they walk through the door (Other than Todd peeing with glee even though just we JUST took him out).  Inflatable dinosaurs? Matthew McConaughey naked playing bongos? 70's style strippers? How would YOU welcome them? (this is the part where you comment)